for all intents and purposes i think this project has mostly ended, at least on my side for the foreseeable future. thanks to everyone who participated in this thread and talked about it with me over all these years, it's been great! very excited to see what'll happen next in life

that's probably the best way in which it could've "failed" given you'll still be able to work on it in your own way whenever you feel like it like you said. it does feel like a surreal end of an era, even as someone entirely on the sidelines. its great that things are coming up reemhouse even if its not in the originally intended way >:)

also that thumbnail is great, did you pick that one on purpose or did it just do a good on its own?

youtube is excellent at picking thumbnails, idk how they do it

the only thing popping in my head in response to this is Task Failed Successfully

:3c

moar to follow stay tuned

Thank you for sharing your current situation and dilemmas. Interesting to listen to you talk about everything and i am sure you will get to an answer that will have you satisfied

A house built on a sure stone foundation with timbers expertly hewn and fastened may stand for hundreds of years, but one coward with a match can undo all that work and legacy in minutes.

Doubt is perhaps the most powerful force of the mind, tenfold more when you are its subject. There is scarcely any other thing I am more certain of than this, especially after seeing all I have seen these last seven years and being where I am now. Self-doubt can both create and destroy, capable of being both the spark of genius which can slowly build a man's life upon a firm foundation and also the coward's match, quickly destroying his entire self-conception and motivation in one fell swoop. I have now seen both of these things over this lengthy project, and after spending this last half-year away from the land I love wrestling with the demands of the modern world against my own ideas and desires I have at last come to a conclusion on the matter: even a house burnt to the ground leaves behind its foundation, just as sure as before.

While you can wander the wilderness for quite some time sleeping under trees and in grottoes, the desire for permanence lingers in the back of the mind. It is both tormentous and irreconcilable, for there is no material thing that has been or ever will be permanent, but this impossible desire burns white-hot in a man's heart regardless. It is no surprise, then, that after such aimless wandering in my adolescent and early adult life I looked upon this plain of Shinar and a genius doubt stirred my soul with a purpose, a foundation upon which I could build a meaningful life for myself and those I love. I sacrificed everything to come here and to build upon that foundation, and for many years I was absolutely unshakable in my resolve, as documented here. I look backwards now at that man and his purpose with incredible envy, and now at last with some hope.

In these last couple years cracks in that indefatigable resolve began showing and spreading. Worries about my best friend and his family, concerns about my health and future, frustrations with bottlenecks arising from a lack of money, romantic issues, the area's culture changing, difficulty with employment, and many other things slowly took a toll on my confidence. Although the kindling smoldered slowly, it ultimately took much less time for the house to catch fire and burn down than it took to build it up. I have compromised and made concession after concession to try and work against these concerns, at first trying to reconcile them with my initial goal, but over this last year I decided to stop trying to put out the fire and just let it roar. There are only cinders remaining, and I am back to dwelling in the wilderness with the biting misery of knowing what beauty and purpose I have forfeited for a false material surety. Had the man that first came here seen me today, he would be ashamed.

When I first let the housefire go up unabated, I wondered if it was for the better. Maybe I was wrong before, maybe it was time for me to abandon the place and move on, maybe I was a fool for even attempting to build the thing in the first place. Maybe I was wrong, a fool, too weak, etc., etc. It is only over this last month that I realized I was right this entire time. There is no purpose in comfort, and having all of my material needs met again only makes me as miserable as I was before. This job is meaningless, as are all the other ones I've worked throughout my entire life. Having money is completely pointless if nothing you want can be purchased. My life is just as unsure as it was before, though now I make enough to pretend that it isn't (as many others do blindly, might I add.) It's a very frustrating thought to know my younger self was wiser in his ignorance than I am now, having seen enough to know better.

Funnily enough the austerity of the lenten season has turned my mind again towards hope, recognizing that there's still a foundation under the embers and wreckage; it's buried, mind you, but that damned foundation is still there. I can feel it. And I'm going to dig that fucking foundation out again even if it kills me. I have a lot of people depending on me and a lot of responsibilities that I have to deal with now while shoveling out this foundation piece by piece, but I absolutely refuse to let it remain a wreck. It was the only positive force in my life and the one thing I knew had objective meaning, and there is absolutely no way in hell I'm moving on.

Consider this post a part one. I will be at the property today wandering around taking notes and assessing what has to be done, and I will follow this post up with plans and goals shortly.