Umineko no Naku Koro ni: A Review (Semi-Spoilers)
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If you're wondering what semi-spoilers means, it's basically impossible to write a review of this game without mentioning at least some of the things that happen later, but I'll try to refrain from mentioning things that you wouldn't see or read in other reviews of Umineko.

I'll get this out of the way first: Umineko is a long game and I mean very long, this kept me from caring for a long time and I wouldn't blame anyone else for the same. The truth is, there is a whole category of people who are fine with holding up vulgar books or even VNs and comparing them to literature (I once saw a youtube video that claimed Muv-Luv was better than Homer's works). I will do no such thing. In the same time it takes to read Umineko, you could read The Brothers Karamazov, The Count of Monte-Cristo, Dante's Divine Comedy, and still have room for a couple more novels. You could also read the King James translation of the Scriptures. If you [unfortunately] don't plan to read things like those, or [thankfully] already have, maybe you'll want to download Umineko. I'll assure you, you won't be disappointed.

It would be a mistake to just call Umineko a mystery novel, because it deals with human psychology, love, religion, belief/justification, and what fictional texts are even supposed to be. I haven't really read any mystery or detective stories other than Umineko, mainly because mysteries are not seen as a respectable genre of fiction. To think this way would be a massive mistake. At the same time, if you enjoy mysteries (either English or Japanese) you will probably enjoy Umineko even more: it is replete with references to mystery novels and the story (so I've been told) tries to pick them apart.

So what's the game actually about? Well it's offered mainly from the perspective of Battler, one of the sons of the Ushiromiya family. In 1986, the family head Ushiromiya Kinzo (Battler's grandfather) is deathly ill, and the family is coming together for a meeting which will inevitably involve all the adults trying to divide his inheritance. But Kinzo has posted a portrait of a woman, his "beloved witch" Beatrice, in the hall, with a text attached that implies whoever solves its riddle can gain the wealth of the family. Rumors swirl about who Beatrice is or was. The next day, Battler awakes to tragedy as members of the Ushiromiya family are being murdered, seemingly in ways that make reference to the text on Beatrice's portrait, which suggests that when everyone is dead the witch Beatrice will revive from the grave. The string of murders continues until only Battler and a few others remain alive, at which point Beatrice appears and says she will bring everyone who acknowledges her into the Golden Land. Battler refuses to acknowledge the existence of witches, but he can't explain how the murders on October 4th and 5th were committed by human hands. So they do it ALL OVER AGAIN as Battler enters a game with Beatrice, where she claims everyone died by magic and him by natural means.

Don't be deceived, because Umineko's author Ryukishi has plenty of tricks up his sleeve and will not allow the games between Beatrice and Battler to become stale. In fact, more and more complex concepts are introduced each game, and you'd better keep up. If you don't intend to think and at least try to solve the puzzles, then Ryukishi will be very mad at you for this. Trust me. If you do intend to, remember to never give up, never stop thinking, and question everything. If you can't trust the narration, then Umineko will MAKE you because you will learn about the Red Truth, text in the game dialogue which is not possibly false. This is where one of the famous memes from the game "repeat it in red" comes from. Umineko has no shortage of characters either, which you will fall in love with without fail; and do trust me, Beatrice has plenty of magical acquaintances you will also meet and will not forget. In fact, Umineko is introducing characters LITERALLY until the end of the story. It is very entertaining.

Now let me go over the presentation. OH MY GOODNESS it's honestly sick. Umineko is an nscripter game (I prefer using the original sprites and backgrounds, but it's okay to use the PS3 ones as long as you don't ever lay your eyes on the God-forsaken Pachinko sprites) but that doesn't mean it has crappy FX, say like Tsukihime. No. It has very high production value. The music is excellent, the sprites are very expressive though at times ugly and chubby. There are endless FX and animations. Did I mention there are battles, like crazy witch battles? They are freaking insane and when you read them it's like experiencing a textual-visual sugar high of epic chuunibyou battle proportions. WITH crazy music playing in the background, 90% being "bangers" as the kids call them. And the production value stays mostly constant.

So I want to talk a little bit about the themes of Umineko, but I'm only going to say there are very interesting ideas, not try to tell you what I think they are. I secretly did a bait-and-switch at the start of my post, because I think if you read books like those after Umineko, you'll realize there is a lot of substance it actually has to say, even compared to them. There's a guy who said on youtube that the game changed how he reads the bible. Now I think that's taking things a little bit far, seriously! Umineko deals with a lot of the same things as very good books. I wasn't at all interested in playing the game until a dear friend of mine sat me down and went on a nearly two hour rant talking about how good it was and what all the themes are. I started mentioning things about Positivism and was surprised he knew who Carl Hempel was. Because Umineko references Hempel. Yeah. Umineko is a story, and when you read a story you come in with assumptions about what the words on the page mean. It's also possible to come to very different interpretations, where one person sees evil another might see good. This also happens in the real world in science and history, and it's very important to the story Ryukishi wants to tell.

So should you play Umineko? I think so. It's hard to say whether Umineko is my favourite VN and I haven't actually played very many, so at the risk of sounding ignorant, I'll just say it's pretty good. At least give it a try, I don't think you'll be let down.